These posts are coming thin and fast now, but I have decided to send this out into the ether before I ship off cross-country. I have an unignorable fondness for my dear old carpet bag of 'teen emoshuns' (or  'blog' call it what you will) yet revisiting it means facing the ease with which I allowed myself to gush and pander to the negative. To give emitting positivity a chance I'ma clean this place up and treat it as a public space to put ideas, photos etc etc. This is roughly written, and apologies for that but I must dash.

Auf Wiedersehen!

I have astoundingly - from my point of view I might first mention - managed to grow up in the last year. I have a new found stability and control over my life and self. I've come to be at peace with daily challenges as opposed to worrying over the progress of the bigger picture, which for someone as susceptible to 'the dark' as I, can be daunting and overwhelming. Distance. Time. Peace. Perspective. All are/have been tonics to me.

Toxins 

I have a poisonous self effacing, self loathing toxin running through my system I can't expel. I remember doing this - writing here- was therapeutic once. I will leave those statements awkwardly shoulder to shoulder for the minute, as a kind of opening explanation or an excuse as to why this mess of words exists. It feels an age since I had to assemble words to command meaning from them. If I were to reflect and read all I'd written here before, understanding all too clearly the motivations and grizzly emotions behind them I'd probably agree with the other half of myself that those were years I would gladly return to. "They weren't so bad." Not so abnormal a thought for someone looking back at tortured teen blog posts, agreed. However now I can see with frightening clarity the permanency with which my actions have shaped me. It's like I can see step by step how I managed to screw things to the point I am writing some emotional shit to send out into deep space. Even if you are a lonely Peruvian sheep herder accessing the Internet through the most recent plane crash on the mountainside, you will understand the desperation which I am now feeling.  In truth I am writing this to a select few people I wish still infringed on my life. I am trying to expel the truth that they will never come to read this from my mind so that I can at least finish this.  Only without their presence do I see that I was at the mercy of those few who made me happy. Boredom dogs me. The only thing I can take my hate out on is my workplace. But that's not even constructive. Of course the slave hates the slave driver. I envy those who went to university. I long for the conversations and optimism. Drinking isn't fun any more. Drugs drain my time and mind. Books in the words of Blind Melon "rip my life away, but it's a great escape." I take most of it out on the loyal Sam. He for some reason cares and withstands it and manages to love me but at times it's just upsetting how different we are and that I can already see a future where we are strangers. I suppose what's truly eating at me is that too many people feel like strangers to me right now. The sadder that thought makes me the less inclined I am to put on a sociable face and see people. I am eighteen and people I went to school with only months ago are asking me how and what I'm doing as if it's a reunion thirty years down the line and they want to see if I've succumbed to being a junkie yet. (for politeness sake) I used to have this ability to, for a short but tangible time fall in love with people. I could admire someones mind, their tangled thought process, or the strong gaze they held with me. I was electrified by character regularly. To make a shitty comparison, I am currently floating in a tank of electrified fish, floating belly up. Seeing as I'm unhinged this is all very melodramatic. I get bleak, it is true.
At this point in time my solution to my problems is: Try not to wither and die until I go to Canada. Hope that trip stirs me. Exile self in Italy. Invite those I miss most to live in Italy with me for a brief period like we were children of Hedonism in an F. Scott Fitzgerald tale, hoping they'd be up for that. I will tell you how this all works out.
 

                        This song reminds me of a sweet satisfying time and someone perfect. It's a good tranquiliser. 

Photospam.

Why do people strive with every fiber of their being, allow heated anger and hate to take over so completely, to destroy someone else they supposedly love? A more pressing question perhaps is how they could love each other after. If you love someone you don't break them down, you don't play one up and always fight for dominance, you just fucking live. You try your damn best to squeeze some happiness out of however much time you've been given. People dislike and write off how I ignore negatives and anger and confrontation but If they knew half the shit I've seen they'd understand why I long for perfection, and strive to whitewash over it all and not just give into being bitter and angry about whats happened to me. I just want to try and bring something good. But it's not that easy as I'm discovering.. because I'm cursed with the same affliction and I'm susceptible to those shitty hellish flares of anger and emotion too, and I find it waaaay too easy to exercise what I've learned on others. Fuck I don't have the words right now, all I can say is this sucks. Oh and that I want out of here.

All that happens is happiness

I'm writing here because I know that no one i know will probably ever read it. And thats quite comforting. I stopped writing here for monthes, because I had nothing to vent, because I was happy, truly and really unquestionably. Now the source of that happiness is gone, worst of all it left me because I was bad for it -even worse- I'm writing here again for the same reasons as before. I've not had this feeling of total lack of control over my own feelings or actions for so long, I'm having to refind my feet again. Back to instability it is.. Karma is completely ass raping me for the emotional shit I caused.
hmm. the phone just rang and my friend just asked me the name of a song and all I could manage was a torrent of angry abuse. this is not good. Hence why I did'nt attend my education today. I love someone and I let them think I took them for granted, let them feel worthless, disposeable. My punishment for that is a nice deep stabwound to the ribcage. And I really dont know how to take it. I'm hurt. Upset. angry. Thats ultimately why I'm venting this repetitive shit here, so I wont start spilling to people around me, because honesty got me here. Worst of all, this needy desperation, the raw pain I got from him telling me why he did what he did will only put him off more, because who needs that around them when they can be alone, or have the prospect of some new perfect untainted person waiting for them? I won't be needy, I won't make it harder, If he wants to fuck off and leave me, then who am I to stop him?
fuck I need time.

"We were surpised when we found that love felt just like pain"

Power to the people, but we don't want it we want pleasure, we're trying to be faithful but we're cheating cheating.