I seriously have mental issues with being grounded. It seems to cause me physical pain and an excessive ammount of anguish.. more than a normal person I'm pretty sure.

So im here wondering why the fuck i give into hate. When i know its so damn irrational... and why ive been letting the what if's slip in and fuck things up. But thats all ive got right now.. some fucked up pieces held together by hope and routine. theyre pretty pieces though, so very phosperescant and luminous. but so very sharp and... i wander off course again.. and find theres a hole in my chest which instead of being filled with salt water, is better filled with smoke in my very screwed up opinion. You see i cant be in denial of what I knows lurking somewhere inside my character if im being pushed along and giving way to intoxication. if im there, disappeared from the world for a few hours, moving with everyone, everything, every moment every beat, im there, im living. its purpose, its survivial, its instinct. it's all thats real. strobe light stencilled memories and ash burns are all thats left.. and thats an achievement, its evidence you lived, didnt fuck about with the time you've been given. you did it.. pushed it. thats living. thats being out. and im in.. so very in, so very alone but very crowed, watched safe, guarded. stifled and choked. pointless, aimless, helpless. and very emo about the whole fucking thing as you can see.

so i go another week without oxygen, and realise, I'm in a comatose state of being. its like I've got withdrawl symtoms from my freedom addiction. but its not healthy or progressive, its degenerative. and the thing is, the considerate ones will try and console me and say whatever party it was going on wasnt worth going to anyway but i'll know theyre sugarcoating for the sake of it. To hold that veneer of calm wellbeing that they won from that weekend of freedom, from their dose of life. Because really everyone feels a sense of achievement and relief in 'going out'.

We're the skins generation and we need a weekly dose of drum & bass to survive.

[insignificant note: My hairs blonde pink white and brown at the same time. Bleach is bringing out all the skeletons in the wardrobe - i refuse to americanise and say closet! - from my rainbow hair dye past :O I think its pretty damn awesome.]

Soundtrack: whoah nelly take a deep breath... Delphic - Acolyte

best coast - When I'm with you,

Feeder - Tinsel Town

Idlewild

AFTA-1 x Nikko - Chemical Reaction

Tiny masters of today - Skeletons

When U love somebody - Fruit Bats