I'm writing here because I know that no one i know will probably ever read it. And thats quite comforting. I stopped writing here for monthes, because I had nothing to vent, because I was happy, truly and really unquestionably. Now the source of that happiness is gone, worst of all it left me because I was bad for it -even worse- I'm writing here again for the same reasons as before. I've not had this feeling of total lack of control over my own feelings or actions for so long, I'm having to refind my feet again. Back to instability it is.. Karma is completely ass raping me for the emotional shit I caused.
hmm. the phone just rang and my friend just asked me the name of a song and all I could manage was a torrent of angry abuse. this is not good. Hence why I did'nt attend my education today. I love someone and I let them think I took them for granted, let them feel worthless, disposeable. My punishment for that is a nice deep stabwound to the ribcage. And I really dont know how to take it. I'm hurt. Upset. angry. Thats ultimately why I'm venting this repetitive shit here, so I wont start spilling to people around me, because honesty got me here. Worst of all, this needy desperation, the raw pain I got from him telling me why he did what he did will only put him off more, because who needs that around them when they can be alone, or have the prospect of some new perfect untainted person waiting for them? I won't be needy, I won't make it harder, If he wants to fuck off and leave me, then who am I to stop him?
fuck I need time.

"We were surpised when we found that love felt just like pain"

Power to the people, but we don't want it we want pleasure, we're trying to be faithful but we're cheating cheating.

I'm the hero of the story, I dont need to be saved

I have no idea what i want. And that scares me as much as it excites me.

Bipolar hopes and dreams.

yaaawwnn
another night at jessicas free house with the ipod speakers that love to electrocute me [JUST me, no one else] and cheap crappy drink [much white shite has been injested. currently suspiciously eyeing a bottle of it as it sits staring me out. damnit] It's weird its like her house is now a background, like scenery to my debauchery. Theres always people ive never met, all willing to get to know someone new because to them this is a brand new experience, a strange new place. An oppurtunity. But I'm mostly bored, mostly stalk off by myself like the antisocial bitch i often am when sober, 'out' and feeling pretty above it all. Or under it im not sure.
However ive been making a concerted effort at this not being a total mess thing :)
missing my closest friends. feeling tired, bored as per usual. bleuhh weird week and a half...weird

shutter Islands ammazzzin just to say