"Stars hide your fires, Let not light see my black and deep desires"

Contessa

I was a scared little kid with a head full of hormones and holes, With one eye on atonement and a body already grown old, There you were with your secrets and your notebook of genuine lies. I’ve taken some pills and I’ve played with the hand I was dealt, And you saved me that time but now I’ve learned to save myself.

fuck forever.

Bang bang my baby shot me down

Been off school all week. Been Ill/having a hate people
week. Most of my friends giving up contacting me now. "This is tragic!" you may gasp, but actually I'm kind of relieved. It's like I've gone back to my childhood where most of my times spent on semi imaginary play. Accept with more photos, drawings and Michael Cera movie soundtracks. Recently had a conversation with me maw where i discovered I much preffered to be alone when i was little than to have friends round. "you the dog and the dressing up box" she said. It's true I used to be shyer and more selfish. Other kids pissed me off. The same can be said now I guess... So I'm in limbo for now :)

Old'n'new

Old carpet

New @bethans

Stolen Wild Thing

Me white hair'n ho lips

I just fucking died a little bit inside. again.

Yeah. Alice Glass makes me severely regret being blonde. vive CC

right back atcha. sorry for being a bitch. even to this very day. And sorry for my only explanation being "I'm messed up", which i can imagine is less than helpfull. I can't articulate

I seriously have mental issues with being grounded. It seems to cause me physical pain and an excessive ammount of anguish.. more than a normal person I'm pretty sure.

So im here wondering why the fuck i give into hate. When i know its so damn irrational... and why ive been letting the what if's slip in and fuck things up. But thats all ive got right now.. some fucked up pieces held together by hope and routine. theyre pretty pieces though, so very phosperescant and luminous. but so very sharp and... i wander off course again.. and find theres a hole in my chest which instead of being filled with salt water, is better filled with smoke in my very screwed up opinion. You see i cant be in denial of what I knows lurking somewhere inside my character if im being pushed along and giving way to intoxication. if im there, disappeared from the world for a few hours, moving with everyone, everything, every moment every beat, im there, im living. its purpose, its survivial, its instinct. it's all thats real. strobe light stencilled memories and ash burns are all thats left.. and thats an achievement, its evidence you lived, didnt fuck about with the time you've been given. you did it.. pushed it. thats living. thats being out. and im in.. so very in, so very alone but very crowed, watched safe, guarded. stifled and choked. pointless, aimless, helpless. and very emo about the whole fucking thing as you can see.

so i go another week without oxygen, and realise, I'm in a comatose state of being. its like I've got withdrawl symtoms from my freedom addiction. but its not healthy or progressive, its degenerative. and the thing is, the considerate ones will try and console me and say whatever party it was going on wasnt worth going to anyway but i'll know theyre sugarcoating for the sake of it. To hold that veneer of calm wellbeing that they won from that weekend of freedom, from their dose of life. Because really everyone feels a sense of achievement and relief in 'going out'.

We're the skins generation and we need a weekly dose of drum & bass to survive.

[insignificant note: My hairs blonde pink white and brown at the same time. Bleach is bringing out all the skeletons in the wardrobe - i refuse to americanise and say closet! - from my rainbow hair dye past :O I think its pretty damn awesome.]

Soundtrack: whoah nelly take a deep breath... Delphic - Acolyte

best coast - When I'm with you,

Feeder - Tinsel Town

Idlewild

AFTA-1 x Nikko - Chemical Reaction

Tiny masters of today - Skeletons

When U love somebody - Fruit Bats

here comes a MAAAASSSIIVVEEEE post to compensate for the shameful neglect I've exhibited towards my blog.. mostly pictures to reflect the nocternal nature of recent happennings..

unrelated - Loveing how the bold washing detergent advert has turned the capsule thing into a margarita glass shape to subliminally appeal to the depressive alcoholic housewives paranoid about neon bright whites. Anyway, enjoy, or not

Hadoukens drumsticks. fucking yes. suck my balls all you 'diehard' fans.

ok, now the abuse is over with, Hadouken was a kick ass night. The lead singer broke my nose

and Ella and I had some epic run in's with authority. not bad for a monday night.

no photos of course, and my camera thanks me for leaving it behind.

coming home after... aha oh dear neighbourhood watch alert

i secretly love these unconscious drunk people :)